Take Two

Well, here we are. Over five years since I became “The Written Mom” and this is only my 15th post.
What’s new? My son is 15 and finishing his freshman year of high school. My daughter is about to be 13 and in the yucky middle of middle school, 7th grade. I am engaged to my boyfriend of 8 years and completing my 17th year as a middle school guidance counselor. Middle school all day, middle school all night, as if I wasn’t already crazy enough. We are blessed to spend much of the spring, summer, fall at a small cabin on a large New England lake. I have no excuse to not write like it’s my job. So that is the plan. Before signing off I should mention that my fiancé and I are still the proud parents of our love child, fur-baby, son with 🐾 paws, Chase. He is 8 or 9 now, he was a rescue so we are not entirely sure. You can follow him on Instagram @veryhandsomechase.
Talk at ya soon folks.

Bragging Rights

I came out of the divorce gate and hit the ground running. I don't know if it was the new-found freedom, the sense of self I had unburied or some sort of rebirth, but after the initial shock and tears I was all, "I am woman hear me roar"!  Here is a list of some of the cool things I did. 

1.  I joined a church. I visited a UU church towards the end of my marriage but it didn't feel like a good fit for me. About 6 weeks after my divorce I walked uphill to the church on my street. It is an Episcopal church. I grew up Roman Catholic and the service is almost identical. The people there were so warm. The reverened was a love. This quickly becamey second home andy church family. The following spring I had my kids baptized there and I was received. Best. Decision. Ever. 

2. I coached my son's soccer team. It was only kindergarten soccer, but I have zero experience with soccer. I never participated in sports growing up and I hated PE. In the fall I was assistant coach and in spring I was co-head coach. It was a blast!

3. I wrote a book. Okay, it was actually a part of a chapter in a textbook. I submitted 25 pages and it was edited down to 2. But I was published!!!

4. I wrote for the local paper. I covered committee meetings and school events. Fun, easy, good experience and it was paid work!

5. I bought a house. My ex and I actually continued to live together for exactly 2 weeks post-divorce until I closed on my house. Then I got my keys and sweet freedom! I have since sold it, but am happy to have had the experience. Including mowing the lawn which I had never done, fixing stuff with my pink tool kit, and decorating without compromise. 

6. I dated. Many adventures. It was terribly nerve wracking at first, but them it was great fun!

7. I went to Vegas. 

8. I tried some new things: zumba, volunteer work, teaching Sunday school, cooking. More recently knitting and running...even my first 5K!

Okay, brag time over! Despite the many challenges that follow divorce, I am proud to have reinvented, challenged, and pushed myself to pursue new things!

What is a single parent, anyway?

 Recently, I had dinner with a good friend. During our conversation I referred to myself as a "single mother". 

"Are you a single mother anymore?" my friend asked. "Honestly, I don't know." was my reply. 

We were referring to the fact that I live with my boyfriend of four years and he contributes to our household finances. But, is that all "single parenting" is about? Money? He has no kids of his own. I am responsible for all of my kids needs. I have the benefit of being able to run an errand after dinner while he is home with them, and our financial situation is improved. So, am I not a single mother? What does that even mean?

Shortly after my divorce, I was venting with a friend and she said something profound on the matter: "we are all single mothers in a way". She is married and has a son. I was not offended at all, as you might expect a newly minted divorcée to be. She was right. And this does not just apply to mothers, there are all sorts of single parents out there:

The married mother who has a husband that does not participate in any hands-on parenting. The single dad who lives with his parents and they are actively involved grandparents. The mother who

Is stateside raising her children while her husband is deployed. The father who stays home so his wife can fulfill her career dreams. The mom of small children who has a husband who works long hours and travels for work. The dad who shares custody of his kids. The grandparents, aunts and uncles raising children whose parents are addicted, in jail or dead. The mom who is divorced and juggling school and work. The teen mom. The teen dad. The widowed. The homeless. 

 There are all kinds of single parents with varying levels of support, be it financial, emotional, or hands on. There is no reason to resent the parents who are married. Maybe it is a terrible marriage. Maybe someone looks like they have it all but what they really have is a mountain of debt. Maybe one single parent is financially poor but wealthy in faith. Another might be just the opposite. 

The important thing to remember is there are all kinds of healthy support systems available.  You just have to keep looking, don't be afraid to ask and work with what you have. At the end of the day, your child or children need to

know that you love them no matter what.  Regardless of your marital status, financial situation or family, it truly takes a village. So surround yourself with the best you can find, count your blessings and just breathe. 

Our Way

During my divorce I was on the receiving end of many comments. These comments varied widely, and generally said more about the speaker than me, or my situation, as comments often do.

"You mean you won't see your kids EVERY SINGLE DAY?"  Nope. "I would never allow that to happen". Okay. 

"But, won't you miss them?" Yup. 

"What kind of a mother doesn't have her kids ALL the time?" This one. "Even sharing custody with their father is unacceptable."  Actually, studies show that is the best arrangement for the kids. 

"Don't you want to be home with your babies?" Well, they are 3 and 5, in preschool and kindergarten. As a working mom with a career, and now a single mother, It would probably be irresponsible to quit my job and attempt to live off child support and state aid. Not a very good example for my kids either. 

"Maybe you can work it out".  Wow. What a great idea. I guess the last 2 years of both couples and individual therapy was just for giggles. 

People are judgey. We all are. We look at the world through our experience, knowledge and belief filled lenses. When something doesn't fit, we pass judgement. Sometimes in words, sometimes in actions. 

On the soccer field I was the only mom coaching boys kindergarten soccer, AND I was a divorcee. I say divorcee because it sounds sexy. Really I was chubby, hair pulled back, in fleece with a whistle. Still, I felt a little judged being out there, 3 year old on my hip, teaching the boys to kick with the side of their foot not toes, and to spread out for Christmas sake! I

Got some looks. 

Now my kids are 8 and 10. Life is still very challenging. Being a single mom is not easy. I co-parent with someone I would prefer not have as a regular part of my life. I struggle financially. I am

always in a hurry. With all that stress I try to be patient but often fail. If I lose my temper on a walk with my kids, judgey mcjudgerton is sure to walk by with words of wisdom, at the exact moment I DO NOT want to hear them. 

On the upside, I have found love again. For real this time. In it for the long haul. No, we aren't getting married. We are a family. Try explaining that. 

"You're not getting married?" No. "What are you doing". Being in a relationship forever. "Is that a new thing?" Nope. 

"Why don't you get married?"  Been there, done that. 

"What about major healthcare decisions? Death benefits". We will cross that bridge when we get closer to it. 

Domestic partners. Partners for life. Spiritual partners. Lovers. Best friends. Shacking up. Living in sin. Blended family. Call it whatever you want. Give us the stink eye. Support us. Love us. Hate us. 

We are a family. My family. And I would not have it any other way. 

True Confessions

While I have spent the past month downsizing, freeing my life of excess and renouncing materialism, I have one secret. I can not downsize my purses. 

I have a lot of purses. Quite possibly somewhere around 50. I can not be sure because an entire bin of "winter" purses is in storage. Right now I just have my "summer" purses out. 

Not long ago I started sharing. If I get a new bag (or two) I give one of my old purses to my friend, Lee. Reduce/Reuse/Recycle. Well, techically I am not reducing. Now Lee has a lot of purses too!

I have consigned at least six bags of clothing, 2 coats and some shoes in the past month. But no purses. 

Bags are my thing, I guess. No matter what size I am they always fit. They can be functional, a fabulous accessory, or both. As far as collections go they are useable, don't collect dust, and sometimes I get lucky and find cash in them!

So, the purses get to stay. I may be downsizing. I may be releasing myself and my family from the burden of "stuff". But I have some great handbags!  Or as we say in olde timey Boston...pock-ah-books!

Our Cottage

Downsizing is fun. Surprisingly therapeutic. I feel like I am "living my truth" as the big O would say. (Oprah, for all you non-followers). I have happily given away one dining set, 2 bookcases, 2 desks, and (soon to be picked up) a computer armoire and file cabinet. We sold our futon. I brought FIVE car loads of home goods and clothing to the thrift sale at my church. 3 trash bags to the charity bin in town. One car load to Goodwill. I even donated old glasses to the box at the library!

My mom will be storing 9 bins, a bassinet, and a faux Christmas tree in her basement. I will deal with those next winter. Some toys and the dollhouse my dad made me will go to my kids' room there. 

My brother will take the 65 inch tv and the glider with ottoman for his finished basement. I can't part with the glider. I nursed my babies in it. 

The rest will go with us. I anticipate getting rid of even more when I clean out the kitchen and, again when I unpack. 

Our new house is more like a cottage. We have not named her yet. The fact that she is on a lake fills us with so much joy that all other homes pale in comparison. Being on water is the new standard for this family. 

Catharsis and Keys

Shortly after I wrote my February post, the "The Bitter Taste of Divorce" I finally figured out how to forgive my ex and move on. I just did. Sure, he can still be annoying, challenging, passive aggressive, a bit narcissistic. But at least I am not married to him. 

It was pretty cathartic figuring out this forgiveness. A downright epiphany. Let the trumpets sound! And, then...I realized I was not living the life I want. 

Like, not at all. I have the man, the kids, the dog, the education, the career. But not the life. 

I want vacations. I want date nights. I don't care if I own a home. I am enjoying renting. If something breaks, I call the landlord. 

I want to be debt free. I want to save money. For trips. To Paris. Milan. NYC. LA. Hawaii. 

I have cut every corner, but my life is still too expensive. My upper-middle-class, suburban, Boston community is sucking me dry. 

The good news is, my lease is up. So I can move. And we found it!!! A house on a lake!!!! Only one mile from the town where my kids will continue to attend school. 

Our new house is tiny. TINY. We may as well be camping. And we are all thrilled. There will be fishing, kayaking, ice skating!

This was no small decision. Friends were surprised. They thought we loved our house. We do. But not for the price. And not in any sort of attached way. We like the design. The hardwood floors and real mouldings. We like the idea of being able to hop on the bus to Boston. But we never do it. We never did at the lat house either. 

Some friends were a sounding board for this decision. They were divided as to whether or not this is move is a good idea. 

It wasn't their words of wisdom that guided me to knowing this is right for us. It was my reaction to their advice that led me to my truth. Let's face it, that is where the truth always lay...not on the heads or tails of the coin but rather in how we feel when we realize on which side the coin landed. 

My truth? There it was all along. I don't want all this STUFF. I don't want any more than we need. I want more time. I want more money for travel and fun. I will never get jazzed about being a homeowner. I will never be excited about renovations. If I get psyched for new appliances it will be because the landlord bought them. 

Maybe financial experts would say this is not the best long term investment. Renting. Saving for the trip to Paris I have wanted since I was 12 years old. I have come to realize though that I am not really. looking for financial advice. I was looking to unlock the secrets of a happy life. I finally found a key. Now to see if it is the right one. 

Our adventure has already begun. We are cleaning out, purging, selling, donating. 

We get the key to our new house on July 1. A new chapter. A new day. 

Small Business Mamas

Did you know that more than 80% of women who make more than six figures annually do so through direct sales/network marketing.  I am currently a Mary Kay consultant, and I am building an Isagenix business!

My hometown and fellow Clark University Alumni friend Nicole, and her friend began a super-cute business of their own.  If you have a young child or new baby in your life, please check out Grow with me tee!

http://www.growwithmetee.net/friends-of-gwmt.html


If you use the code hotmama15, you will enjoy a 15% discount! 

And if you are looking for more energy, to gain lean muscle and/or release extra weight, please contact me.  The products I am using are life-changing and I can not recommend them enough!

Deep Thoughts

1. If Maxim has photoshopped women on it's cover every month, why doesn't Cosmo have photoshopped men? I don't need to see MORE photoshopped women, thanks. 

2. Crutches have been around since, like 1527. Why hasn't anyone invented something better yet? #milliondollaridea

3. It's 2014, people. Why isn't Rosie the Robot cleaning my house? Why don't cars fly? #jetsons

4. I hope that people who clean the port-a-potty at concerts and so forth get paid a shit ton of money. 

5. Why is there only one version of the alphabet song?

How to thank a teacher...

There are several ways to thank a teacher. A simple note will do. We love gift cards too. But an often overlooked show of gratitude is to write a letter to the superintendent. You can cc the teacher, and it will go in their personnel file, especially if you mention in the letter that you would like it added to their file. It is kind of a big deal. Often parents chip in for a class gift, send in goodies or a gift card. These are all appreciated. A well crafted letter is free, and an especially appreciated way of letting us know we are doing a good job. By "we" I mean all school personnel: guidance counselors, nurses, ot, pt, speech pathologists, admin assistants, anyone who has helped you and/or your child navigate the public school system in a helpful or meaningful way!