Bragging Rights

I came out of the divorce gate and hit the ground running. I don't know if it was the new-found freedom, the sense of self I had unburied or some sort of rebirth, but after the initial shock and tears I was all, "I am woman hear me roar"!  Here is a list of some of the cool things I did. 

1.  I joined a church. I visited a UU church towards the end of my marriage but it didn't feel like a good fit for me. About 6 weeks after my divorce I walked uphill to the church on my street. It is an Episcopal church. I grew up Roman Catholic and the service is almost identical. The people there were so warm. The reverened was a love. This quickly becamey second home andy church family. The following spring I had my kids baptized there and I was received. Best. Decision. Ever. 

2. I coached my son's soccer team. It was only kindergarten soccer, but I have zero experience with soccer. I never participated in sports growing up and I hated PE. In the fall I was assistant coach and in spring I was co-head coach. It was a blast!

3. I wrote a book. Okay, it was actually a part of a chapter in a textbook. I submitted 25 pages and it was edited down to 2. But I was published!!!

4. I wrote for the local paper. I covered committee meetings and school events. Fun, easy, good experience and it was paid work!

5. I bought a house. My ex and I actually continued to live together for exactly 2 weeks post-divorce until I closed on my house. Then I got my keys and sweet freedom! I have since sold it, but am happy to have had the experience. Including mowing the lawn which I had never done, fixing stuff with my pink tool kit, and decorating without compromise. 

6. I dated. Many adventures. It was terribly nerve wracking at first, but them it was great fun!

7. I went to Vegas. 

8. I tried some new things: zumba, volunteer work, teaching Sunday school, cooking. More recently knitting and running...even my first 5K!

Okay, brag time over! Despite the many challenges that follow divorce, I am proud to have reinvented, challenged, and pushed myself to pursue new things!

What is a single parent, anyway?

 Recently, I had dinner with a good friend. During our conversation I referred to myself as a "single mother". 

"Are you a single mother anymore?" my friend asked. "Honestly, I don't know." was my reply. 

We were referring to the fact that I live with my boyfriend of four years and he contributes to our household finances. But, is that all "single parenting" is about? Money? He has no kids of his own. I am responsible for all of my kids needs. I have the benefit of being able to run an errand after dinner while he is home with them, and our financial situation is improved. So, am I not a single mother? What does that even mean?

Shortly after my divorce, I was venting with a friend and she said something profound on the matter: "we are all single mothers in a way". She is married and has a son. I was not offended at all, as you might expect a newly minted divorcée to be. She was right. And this does not just apply to mothers, there are all sorts of single parents out there:

The married mother who has a husband that does not participate in any hands-on parenting. The single dad who lives with his parents and they are actively involved grandparents. The mother who

Is stateside raising her children while her husband is deployed. The father who stays home so his wife can fulfill her career dreams. The mom of small children who has a husband who works long hours and travels for work. The dad who shares custody of his kids. The grandparents, aunts and uncles raising children whose parents are addicted, in jail or dead. The mom who is divorced and juggling school and work. The teen mom. The teen dad. The widowed. The homeless. 

 There are all kinds of single parents with varying levels of support, be it financial, emotional, or hands on. There is no reason to resent the parents who are married. Maybe it is a terrible marriage. Maybe someone looks like they have it all but what they really have is a mountain of debt. Maybe one single parent is financially poor but wealthy in faith. Another might be just the opposite. 

The important thing to remember is there are all kinds of healthy support systems available.  You just have to keep looking, don't be afraid to ask and work with what you have. At the end of the day, your child or children need to

know that you love them no matter what.  Regardless of your marital status, financial situation or family, it truly takes a village. So surround yourself with the best you can find, count your blessings and just breathe. 

Our Way

During my divorce I was on the receiving end of many comments. These comments varied widely, and generally said more about the speaker than me, or my situation, as comments often do.

"You mean you won't see your kids EVERY SINGLE DAY?"  Nope. "I would never allow that to happen". Okay. 

"But, won't you miss them?" Yup. 

"What kind of a mother doesn't have her kids ALL the time?" This one. "Even sharing custody with their father is unacceptable."  Actually, studies show that is the best arrangement for the kids. 

"Don't you want to be home with your babies?" Well, they are 3 and 5, in preschool and kindergarten. As a working mom with a career, and now a single mother, It would probably be irresponsible to quit my job and attempt to live off child support and state aid. Not a very good example for my kids either. 

"Maybe you can work it out".  Wow. What a great idea. I guess the last 2 years of both couples and individual therapy was just for giggles. 

People are judgey. We all are. We look at the world through our experience, knowledge and belief filled lenses. When something doesn't fit, we pass judgement. Sometimes in words, sometimes in actions. 

On the soccer field I was the only mom coaching boys kindergarten soccer, AND I was a divorcee. I say divorcee because it sounds sexy. Really I was chubby, hair pulled back, in fleece with a whistle. Still, I felt a little judged being out there, 3 year old on my hip, teaching the boys to kick with the side of their foot not toes, and to spread out for Christmas sake! I

Got some looks. 

Now my kids are 8 and 10. Life is still very challenging. Being a single mom is not easy. I co-parent with someone I would prefer not have as a regular part of my life. I struggle financially. I am

always in a hurry. With all that stress I try to be patient but often fail. If I lose my temper on a walk with my kids, judgey mcjudgerton is sure to walk by with words of wisdom, at the exact moment I DO NOT want to hear them. 

On the upside, I have found love again. For real this time. In it for the long haul. No, we aren't getting married. We are a family. Try explaining that. 

"You're not getting married?" No. "What are you doing". Being in a relationship forever. "Is that a new thing?" Nope. 

"Why don't you get married?"  Been there, done that. 

"What about major healthcare decisions? Death benefits". We will cross that bridge when we get closer to it. 

Domestic partners. Partners for life. Spiritual partners. Lovers. Best friends. Shacking up. Living in sin. Blended family. Call it whatever you want. Give us the stink eye. Support us. Love us. Hate us. 

We are a family. My family. And I would not have it any other way. 

The bitter taste of divorce.

People can be mean. Downright, cruel. I have experienced my fair share. Believe me, when I tell you, that despite any kindness and honesty that I put out into the world, I have actually been confronted with evil. 

I believe in forgiveness. Even when all is lost, and you don't think that you can forget a wrong, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. 

There is one wrong, however, I don't think I will ever get past. 

When I was going through, what both parties agreed to attempt, an amicable divorce, my now ex-husband, tried to prove me "unfit" as a mother. 

My lawyer laughed in his face. She said this would cost roughly $200,000, take at least 2 years, and in the end, I would still win custody. I could see the fear in his eyes...not that I would end up with custody, but that he would have to pay $200,000. He really loved HIS money. 

After our daughter was born, I had a lot on my plate: a two year old son, an infant daughter, a commute that included driving 30 minutes in the opposite direction from my work for the only day care I felt comfortable with (I later found someone near my work who was wonderful) and a husband who refused to help with the drive to and from daycare, housework, and with whom I was rapidly falling out of love. 

I will give him this...he was a hands on dad. He changed diapers, gave baths, cooked, and was present. However, as our marriage was failing, he spent more and more time in the yard doing landscaping. Eventually, this was all he did on Saturdays and Sundays. 

Meanwhile, when my daughter reached 6 months, I stopped nursing. It was sooner than I had hoped but there was insufficient time in my workday to pump, and the whole experience was more of a challenge than a pleasure. I could not handle any more stress. 

At this time, I was also experiencing a flood of emotions. Hormones were in flux.  I was overwhelmed. Sadness turned inward to a very dark place. Twice I thought about ending my life. 

I was sleeping a lot. I could barely wait for my husband to get home from work (about an hour after me) to get into bed. Eventually, I was only awake to function and was skeeping whenever I could. 

I was diagnosed with post-partum depression. Started medication and felt better! However I still had little energy. I was still sleeping a lot. I tried exercise but felt more out of shape then ever, even though I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I was fatigued. 

My ex and I went to counseling. He kept complaining about how I was not myself. He refused to believe he needed to do anything different. Our therapy was all about me and how I needed to change. "This is how I am and I am not changing anything" he said. So I refused to go anymore. 

Of course, our life together got worse. We tried counseling again, to no avail. At home we weren't arguing, we were merely co-existing. Roomates with separate lives. 

And I was still tired when we decided to divorce. Exhausted. It was a Friday night at our last counseling session. I had brought it up the week prior. I said something like, "I can keep trying for another year but then we will have to revisit this". He sat with that for an entire week then drove me to counseling knowing he was about to ask for a divorce. He could have let me take my own car!

I have to  be honest, I was shocked! I always thought I would be the one to officially end the marriage. I truly believed that my statement the week prior had bought me a year. A year to either fix my marriage or get my ducks in a row for life on my own. I spent the whole weekend functioning in between bursts of the worst sobbing episodes if my life. I asked him if we could stay together for the children, multiple times. He just kept saying no. I suggested we take a vacation, just the two of us, go away for a week, and try to reconnect, for our kids. He said, "In this economy? This is no time to take a vacation!"  It was 2009. Vacations were cheap and he had over $400,000 in the bank. Right then I knew that I was crazy to even be trying. Embarrassed, even. I did not want to be married to this person any longer. 

I really have no idea what he was thinking in the months that followed. I did discover several disturbing things as we went through the process of deciding custody.  He did not want me to be the custodial parent. He claimed that it wasn't about money (I am sure learning about child support was a rude awakening) but that he "had just as much a right to the children as I did". 

I came up with a plan that my lawyer said had "generous" visitation. The kids would live with me but he would see them every Tuesday and Thursday 5-8 and every other weekend Friday night-Monday morning. 

He did not agree. He said they would live with him and I could have that visitation. I said "no way". And so it began. 

I learned that my then husband would use my mental health problems against me. Although, I had been well for over a year he tried to make it appear as though I was actively depressed. I was still sleeping a lot (hold that thought). I learned that he had saved a phone message that I had left him a year prior, asking him to come home because I had a challenging day with the kids. He had also acted concerned to our daycare provider, and asked her questions about my disposition then took things she said out of context and included them in our custody battle. He took conversations with our wacky neighbors, comments I had made on a blog I shared with 3 girlfriends about parenting and even gave his lawyer an incorrect diagnosis and wrote all of this in an affidavit to attempt to prove me unfit. 

I was devestated. How could someone who 9 years prior, stood before friends, family and God (my God, he is an atheist) and say for better/worse, richer/poorer, and in sickness/health, turn around and use those very things against me? How could someone who allowed the brunt of parenting to fall on my shoulders, who left me alone with our children for a week while he went on a business trip, say that I could not parent?

I had plenty to say about this. Both to his face and in an affidavit of my own. But I did not want a war, even knowing I would "win". That win would be at my children's expense. I just wanted out. 

So I talked to people. Experts. Social workers, psychologists, friends, parents with varied arrangements. I researched. I came up with a shared custody plan that we could all live with. And I got the hell out of there. 

Barely four months after agreeing to divorce, we stood before a judge and severed our marriage. A week later I bought my own home. This was an exciting, trying and exhausting time. 

There it is again. Exhausting. Tired, fatigued. I figured it was stress. Or leftover from my battle with depression. But it was more. 

Three months after moving into my own home I suffered an acute coronary incident. Chest pain that had been lingering for several days was something very serious. My left, anterior, decending artery was clogged. The nickname for this type of heart attack is "the widow maker". Bad genes, stress and the extra twenty pounds I had recently gained created a perfect storm. 

I had a good attitude though. I was neither male, nor married, so I figured I would survive...since I had no one to make into a widow. 

Survive, I did. Who took the day off to see me in recovery after my cardiac cath and stent placement? My ex. And I was upset. 

Not just a little either. Stark, raving, mad. Very angry. Pissed. My cardiologist wanted to send him away. My family thought I was out of line. They thought it was nice of him to show up. 

I though to myself, "Really? Seriously?" This man, who abandonded me when my health problems were MENTAL HEALTH problems and not only ignored me, but used those health problems against me in our divorce, is now going to show up because I am at death's door with medical issues that he is more comfortable with? Seriously? Go away!

I have forgiven many things in my life. I can even forgive all of the ways his actions hurt me. But I am a mom, and his actions affected my kids, and continue to do so daily. I have my own guilt to contend with. I don't know how I will ever forgive him trying to prove me unfit. 

I love my children more than anything, ever. I would do anything for them. I would have even stayed in a marriage I did not want to be in, if it meant their happiness. I will be a better parent if I learn to let the pain, bitterness and anger go. I constantly try. I am amicable with their dad. I communicate with him constantly. We still make decisions for them together and rarely argue. I want to forgive, for myself and for my children. But I have not figured out how to let it go. Not yet.